Advice for anyone considering watching 50 Shades of Grey…

For the price of your 50 Shades ticket, you could buy:

3 pints of local beer
From a wetherspoons
Where the drama will be better

5 minutes with Madam Political Correctia
Who will explain all that’s wrong
With this sparkly, bow-wrapped turd-punch of a film
While spanking you
And it will be kinkier.

575 pieces of neon-bright refined sugar
Little consumable stars each containing
A tiny sugar rush supernova

One-tenth of a murder
If your contract killer is desperate
And a terrible negotiator

115 Freddos in 1995
When they still cost 10p like they should

One rather grubby soul
Or two souls barely held together
With spit and gaffer tape

An £11.50 donation to Refuge
To help offset the damage this film will do

11 a4 notebooks and a biro
& write the words “no means no”
110,000 times.


About websterpoet

I'm a performance poet, sometime stand-up comedian and general writer type. I also run a free weekly poetry text that sends poetry direct to your phone, just e-mail me at with your name and number and I'll add you to the 'textshot' mailing list. Also, you can follow me on twitter @websterpoet
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