To the one who loved her previously
A response to “To the one who loves her next” (http://flashoflife.tumblr.com/post/105128618999/to-the-one-who-loves-her-next-shes-terrified)
So, before we get to the meat of the matter, I have to ask: how did you get my email? Like, seriously, I doubt ‘she’ gave it to you as that’d be *super weird*. Did you hear my name in passing and google me? Whelp, definitely time to tighten my privacy settings.
But, as Buffy said to the vampire, let’s get to the point…
First of all, I appreciate the effort of you taking to write to me. A lot of feeling clearly went into those words and I don’t want to dismiss that. I mean, you’re clearly still hurting here and you obviously want the best for her. I don’t want to dismiss that.
But I will.
I will dismiss your words because the relationship she and I have is different to the one she and you had.
I will dismiss your words because when you offer up so much of yourself to support someone that you end up breaking both of you, that is the very definition of codependency.
I will dismiss your words because I have been you. And as good as it feels to be the white knight, it is time we both let those fantasies go, for she is not a princess. She is a dragon.
I will dismiss your words because she’s a fucking adult and she’s capable of managing her own shit.
I will dismiss your words because it’s wrong to kill spiders. Christ, what’s wrong with you? Release them back into the wild or train them to be your willing attack dogs like everyone else. Jesus.
But, to put your apparent concerns about my assholery to rest, I will address a few points.
There is rarely such thing as a “textbook introvert”. People are seldomly one thing or the other. But, when she needs space I will give it to her. I won’t take it personally as I have my own introvert tendencies and because we talked about it like adults with our words and our scent glands. Plus, I have my own shit going on anyway, y’know?
If she gets jealous, that’s OK. We will both struggle with jealousy because we have fears and desires and loves that ensnare each other greedily. I will try to take jealousy for what it is: the natural intersection of those three things. We may never conquer it, but I hope that together or separately we learn to stop *hating* it and start talking about it.
I will tell her I love when I can’t hold it in and the love erupts out of my mouth like a Geiger-esque alien. I will tell her I love her when the world is big and scary and we’re both caught between its teeth. I will tell her I love her when actually what I mean is “I love you fiercely but are you going to eat that last slice of pizza?” I will tell her I love her when I mean it. I will trust her to do the same to me. Because sometimes I need reassurance too.
I will go out with her and drink too much and do things we regret and navigate the dizzy waters of the hangover the next morning together.
Her independence is something I will respect and adore. Her insecurity is a monster I will trust her to battle herself, but I will be the best squire I can be.
We will take it in turns to make tea. We have a rota.
I will not treat her like royalty as I’m a socialist and that would mean violently deposing her. I will treat her as an equal. If she ever wants to find someone else that’s her choice, I’m not going to stand aside because I don’t fit your weirdly objectivising, one-sided view of whole relationships should work.
If things don’t work out, it won’t mean “losing” her. She’s not so easily lost as my keys (seriously, every day I lose those fuckers), she is not a thing. We will always own a piece of each other made up of the knowledge, bruises and inspirations we took via osmosis and biting. You and she have pieces of each other too, that’s why it feels like you aren’t over it.
You will get over it though. And, should we part, so will we. She is no more magic than you or I. Which is to say: she’s really fucking magic.
I will give her all the love and support I’m able to give without fracturing us and I know she’ll do the same for me.
Not because she’s golden but because she’s a person you patronising, elbow-kneed fuck.
P.s. the cat will still come first. I know it’s because of that weird brain bacteria thing, but I’m cool with that.
P.p.s. I am blocking you.