The Poetry Art Centurion – #28 – #48

Good morning Poetry-Art fans!

Whew. That was quite some night. We’ll be honest with you, we had every intention of staying up all night to get as many of these done as possible, but around 5am … things started getting weird.

But we’re cracking on today and are speeding furiously towards the finish line (sponsor us here (WOOO!):

For now, here’s #28-#48.

#28 Phishing For Compliments

Phishing For Compliments

My Dear Sir,

I represent a Nigerian Prince who needs to move a large sum of money out of his home country.

That’s not why I’m contacting you, though. I’m just getting in touch to say that both myself and the Prince think you’re pretty rad.

You keep doing your thing.

Sincerest Compliments,
Idris Akpomudge (Attorney at Awesome)

#29 Fifty Things You Can Do With Cardboard Boxes

50 Things to Do With Cardboard Boxes

1. Transport books and other essentials.

2-50. Get 48 friends and build a fort.

This list is comprehensive.



I saw the hand puppet of the divine
I gazed into his goggle eyes
I supplicated at the space his feet would be
I kissed his felt tongue til my own ran dry and cracked.

He imparted this advice to me:






The world fell away
I fell away
We were a sea of faith
In the sippy-cup font of the universe

We made the world anew
It was much the same as the old one
But I was the snake I wanted to see
I was super-fine.

#31 The Johnsons

The Johnsons

No-one knew where the purple pyramid had come from.

It had just appeared one morning in place of the house that had belonged to the Johnsons.

No-one knew where the Johnsons were either, but they were both deeply unlikeable so no-one wanted to ask too many questions.

The pyramid though, that sure was weird.

When it opened, months later, revealing over 5000 octopods stuffed into 1000 business suits it didn’t clear matters up any.

The moral of this story is: be nice to your neighbours.

#32 Depths


I have been down here so long
That I have learnt to read the depths
The pressures that foretell predators
The tickling glimmer of jellyfish streetlamps
The thunder of leviathan’s passing
And the chattering city that clings to its belly
The close clackings of the spider crab
That ripple right through to my heart.

I’m not sure what scares me more,
That some day they’ll make me come back up
Or that they never will.

#33 Optimistic Pixies

Optimistic Pixies

As the flames grew higher, he looked back to see the shimmer of the pixies’ wings flickering in and out of the smoke.

Their flight patterns grew ever more erratic, as they breathed in the fumes and glee.

“IT’LL ALL TURN OUT FOR THE BEST!” they shrieked in voices that made his glasses shatter and ears bleed.

For the first time in his life, he believed them.

He threw another fireball at the prison for good measure and smiled as the cold iron bars melted.

#34 System Diagrams

System Diagram

1. Insert subject into labyrinth (3).

2. Insert minotaur into central chamber (7).

3. If human, then 4. If mythic, then 6.

4. Many wrong turns. Trial and error. Adversity. Then 5.

5. Sense of own accomplishment. Hubris. Then 7.

6. Invulnerability. Hubris. Then 7.

7. Central chamber. Hubris. Minotaur. Then, 8.

8. Many corpses. If step 9 known, then 10. If step 9 unknown, then 9.

9. ???

10. Profit.

#35 The Doctor In Spite of Himself

The Doctor In Spite of Himself

Doctor in Spite of Himself

“Hey, hey buddy … you wanna buy some snake oil?”

The man trapped beneath the rubble simply groaned and held out his hand for help.

“Like, literal snake oil buddy? Yeah?”

The man kept groaning.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes, yeah buddy?”

The man groaned once more and the ‘doctor’ poured the snake oil down his throat.

It did not help.

The ‘doctor’ took what he was owed from the man’s pockets and not a penny more.

He wasn’t a crook, after all.

#36 In The Jungle

In the Jungle

They reared above her
Green springs of thorns and warning colours
Poised with pollinous malice
Watching over her.

They spread their leaves
A sleeping beauty sound buffer
The witless chatter of bug and bird
Swiftly silenced.

She was always their favourite
They spread sweet scents across her fur
Showered her in petal blankets
Swaddled her in their spare flesh.

It was the least they could do.

#37 Cat Love

Cat Love

Toast is full of gluten and carbs.

Jam doesn’t really count as a fruit portion.

You don’t want those.

I’m just telling it like it is.

I see you. Your every inch.

I know you were only checking facebook
And that ASSDFHGGGRHH is how you feel
Every time you see me.

You can swear if you like, but if you loved me
Like I love you
You’d lay corpses at my feet too.

I vomit in one and a half of your shoes
With love for you.

You may pet me now
Or I will cut you.

#38 The Woman Who Brooked No Argument (from: The girl who tore out the moon)

The Woman Who Brooked No Argument - from The Girl Who Tore Out The Moon

Once, there was a woman who brooked no argument.

She was fierce and she was cunning and there was literally no arguing with her.

Most of the world quickly fell into their place beneath her.

But the moon was mercurial (i.e. a pissy little asshole) and did not accept its new place in the scheme of things.

So it whispered bloody nothings to the secret places inside of the woman and encouraged them to rebel against her.

She, of course, brooked none of this and tore the rebellious bits of meat out and burned them upon the pyre.

Then she knocked a hole out of the moon.

She knocks a hole out of the moon every month to keep it in its place.

The moon behaves now.

The woman continues to brook no argument.

#39 A Short List Of Christmas Decorations


A short list of Christmas Decorations

Assorted baubles and spiderwebs.

A very small nebula.

A tiny person dancing forever in a crystal prison.

Three medium-sized black holes.

A busted headlight.

A conch (possibly of hurricanes???).

6 pomegranate seeds.

A literal snake in a jar.

6oz of weapons grade plutonium.

An Christmas fairy.

12 CCTV cameras in various states of decay.

#40 Lamp Post

Street Lamps

It was a very strange kind of predator, its tough metal hide growing solid out through the pavement cracks.

A distant cousin of the venus flytrap, instead of snapping flies this beast drank down darkness.

So in this Escher hellcity made mainly of back alleys and corners, they blazed like the sun.

Which was handy, as the sun had been snuffed out long ago.

#41 Prometheus Free

Prometheus Free

The shackles kissed his wrists
Rocks stroking a graze across his skin
He imagined his coiled muscles as just another link in the chains
And sank back in to his imprisonment

Soon the eagle would return with its bloodied beak
Sure, people thought Zeus was into some kinky shit
But the liver always grew back once the scene was done
And there was peace to be found in healing.

#42 Easter Egg

Easter Egg

In a needle
In an egg
In a duck
In a hair
In a chest
Hidden in the arse end of nowhere
Population: fuck all but wild geese (and the aforementioned duck).

“No-one hides something *this* well unless they want it to be found.”
She thought.
She held his needle-heart between her fingers
It pulsed a sickly, fragile beat
And smiled wickedly.

Once the tattooist was done
The needle faded away to nothing

She wore his heart on her sleeves for the rest of her days.

#43 Fighting the Long Defeat

Fighting the long defeat

We measure our fight in inches
In essential absences and near misses
Our victories indistinguishable from stasis
Our orders only ever ‘hold’.

In the battles for the soul
Everything we do is damage control
A canvas can never become ‘more’ pure after all
What we fight is more grubby entropy than demons.

Of course, we too are battlegrounds
I’m sure once upon a time our wings were white
These days, I would even settle for pigeon grey
Instead of this speckled sunrise.

I wonder sometimes who fights for our souls.
I wonder, too, whether red is not a prettier colour than white.

#44 Paint Me Like One of Your French Biographies

Paint Me Like One of Your French Biographies

“Write her life story” they said.

“Make it PG-13” they said.

“Just fade to black on the sexy bits” they said.

It was impossible to write her life story without the sexy bits.

Her life story had been 90% sexy bits, 9% gunfights, 1% sewing (and even then there was some crossover).

Even on the cover portrait, she wore that story in leer-lines and bullet scars. Every atom of her screamed lurid adventure.

He took solace in the historical fanfic boards. As usual.

#45 Facts About Animals

Facts About Animals

Giraffes are merely snakes in meat suits.

Hooded cobras have knives and will probably try to sell you drugs.
Echidna are secret bastards.

There is nothing secretive about Geese.

Platypus is pronounced ‘punchline’.

Dodos were hunted to extinction because they literally gave no fucks. Nature advises you to give at least one fucks.

There is a spider on your face.

#46 Counting Cats

Counting Cats

Once I discovered my cat was a dreamwalker, I had to seriously beef up the animals I counted to get to sleep.

I count manticores now.

The cat knows its place, but it hasn’t actually improved my dreams that much…



He was birthed from the Adversary’s last, malformed tit
Given form and colour in the plague pits
Learned to undulate from the universe’s last sickly tremors
Never bothered to learn to speak in anything but horrors.

He never should have seen sunlight
But once they bound him into that bowtie
He began to carve his kingdom from eye-bleeding chintz
And we sent a tithe of children to keep ourselves safe

The banishing of him broke the United Faiths
Sent the schism rippling back centuries or more
Lost hundreds who would be saints if they could be remembered
But at least he was gone.

His kingdom is still a place of nightmare
But even that terror shall crumble with time.

#48 Things That Are True

Things That Are True

Things that are true:

You, when you pull the knots tight.

Me, when I bite my lip.

You, when you unhinge your jaw.

Me, when I float into the air.

Other things that are true:

Teeth leave the best bruises.

Neither angels nor demons are on your side
But some of them are pretty good in bed

The world will end with both a bang and a whimper.

There is no such thing as a free lunch
(but you might be able to get away with dessert).

#49 Planets Are A Thing, Right?

Where Did The Planets Go

Where did the extra planets come from quickly became a redundant question.

The real puzzler was: where were they going?


About websterpoet

I'm a performance poet, sometime stand-up comedian and general writer type. I also run a free weekly poetry text that sends poetry direct to your phone, just e-mail me at with your name and number and I'll add you to the 'textshot' mailing list. Also, you can follow me on twitter @websterpoet
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